Just look around — everywhere you turn during the holidays you will see symbols of the season surrounding you: Christmas trees, Hannukah menorahs, Santa Claus, candy canes, and more. Scroll through the shows on your device and you’ll see countless holiday episodes, commercials, and movies — all portraying joyful families lovingly connected. Whatever pain or dysfunction the main characters experience gets miraculously solved in 30-90 minutes flat — and they all live happily ever after!
Those stories are usually fiction — literally — and can make it difficult for many children, parents, foster-adoptive families, and family service professionals who see how deeply challenging this time of year can be for those around them.
For individuals with a history of trauma—or those caring for children who have experienced trauma—the holidays can amplify stress, grief, and unresolved emotions. Understanding these dynamics and approaching the season with a trauma-informed, stress-reducing lens can make a profound difference.
Why Holidays Can Trigger Trauma
Holidays often involve family gatherings, traditions, and sensory overload—all of which can activate old memories that trigger unexpected and often overwhelming physical and emotional reactions. Survivors of childhood dysfunction or trauma may experience increased anxiety when returning to the people and places their brains and bodies associate with past harm or conflict.
Common triggers include:
- Family dynamics and old roles resurfacing during gatherings
- Critical or dismissive comments, guilt trips, or pressure to meet expectations
- Sensory overload from lights, noise, crowds, and disrupted routines
- Emotional anniversaries—songs, smells, or traditions that evoke painful memories of loss or neglect
Collin’s (True) Story: Collin was only six-years-old when he found his mom overdosed in front of the Christmas tree. His mother lived but he doesn’t know where she is or if she’s alive. He’s been in six foster homes the past six years because every holiday season of all the reminders he sees of the worst day of his life. He suffers from developmental delays from early childhood trauma, including the ability to self-regulate his emotions, communicate with others, and understand others’ communication. As a result, his behavior offers the main clues to what’s happening inside. But to the non-trauma-informed eye he’s just a bad kid with bad behavior who blows up his placements, so they kick him out — every year for six years. This just compounds his feelings of worthlessness, rejection, and loss. He hates these holidays!
Grief and Ambiguous Loss During the Holidays
Grief during the holidays isn’t limited to missing loved ones who have died. Equally painful is ambiguous loss, which occurs when a loved one is physically present but emotionally absent, or physically absent with uncertainty about their whereabouts or even whether they are alive. This type of grief lacks closure, making holidays especially difficult. Families may feel pressure to act happy while navigating deep sadness and frustration.
The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—don’t follow a linear path. During holidays, these emotions often cycle unpredictably. Rather than imposing expectations for others to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it,’ validate the emotions. Resisting and stuffing feelings are both damaging. Allowing feelings (but not harmful behaviors) help people move through them, to acceptance (which is not the same as agreement or approval).
Collin’s New Family: Collin is happy to be with his future adoptive mom, Jane, but he still wishes he knew if his mom was alive or not. He attends his first holiday dinner with Jane’s family and friends. They are all nice, but they aren’t his mom, and he wonders what she’s doing today, if she’s alive.
Next to Collin sits Jane’s partner, James, who is staring across the table at his parents, who he’s grateful have lived to be a ripe old age, but he wonders how many more years he has with them. He wants to savor every second, but his father has dementia and the man he knew and loved is fading away, sometimes even forgetting who James is. He misses his dad — even though he’s sitting right across from him.
James’ father seems like he’s in his own world while his wife has plastered a fake smile on her face to mask her sadness at the impending losses she knows are coming: losing her lifelong partner and best friend, coming to terms with the need to move into a senior facility, and up the life they’ve built and all their independence. Everyone at this table is physically present, yet partially gone.
Holiday Gatherings: Navigating Family Dynamics
Family gatherings can be a source of joy—or stress. For those with relational trauma histories, gatherings may reopen old wounds or highlight broken relationships. Pressure to reconcile or maintain appearances can intensify feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy.
Tips for Emotional Safety:
- Set clear boundaries
- Plan exit strategies
- Limit exposure to harmful dynamics
Example of Anticipating Triggers: Maria sat in her car outside her parents’ house, gripping the steering wheel. The pushed the memories of her childhood Christmas mornings out of her mind, because they were filled with shouting and slammed doors. Her chest and stomach are tight and heavy. Although her family has reunited for the holiday to celebrate, it’s like a potential minefield of memories for her. Tony, Maria’s partner, felt torn about attending this party with Maria. Last year, her parents made disparaging remarks about their relationship, occupations, and decision to adopt children because Maria has miscarried so many times — including two Christmases ago. They both agree they can’t handle another blowup, so they’ve come up with a plan: they’ll attend for two hours and be ready to leave if tensions rise. They even have a non-verbal signal ready.
Trauma-Informed Strategies for Parents and Professionals
Everything described so far is likely to strike a chord with more people than it doesn’t. Chronic stress (in both adults and children) and adverse childhood experiences other than abuse and neglect can all affect the brain and body similarly to trauma. That’s why it’s helpful for everyone to be trauma-informed. Here are some helpful suggestions:
- Prepare for Triggers: Identify likely stressors and plan coping strategies in advance.
- Maintain Predictability: Keep routines consistent but not rigid, to reduce stress.
- Create Choice Points: Offer options for participation and breaks.
- Validate Feelings: Acknowledge emotions without judgment.
- Honor Loss with Rituals: Use symbolic acts to remember those not present.
- Practice Self-Care and Mindfulness: Encourage self-regulation techniques.
How Collin’s (New) Mom Helped Him Deprogram His Trigger Buttons: This story about Collin is true; I was coaching Jane and helping him get through the next Christmas holiday season was a goal we planned for in advance. She learned and taught Collin self-regulation skills, internal self-motivation, and quick code words and coping strategies. They practiced them over the summer and into the new school year.
The day after Halloween, Collin and Jane went shopping and were surprised to see all the Christmas trees and other holiday decorations had already been put on display. Collin started shaking and paced nervously as Jane tried to shop quickly. Jane offered him choices: “Would you like to help pick out your new jacket now or go home and come back later. We can also try to buy it online.” Later, when they were home, she talked to Collin about the upcoming holidays and what he could do when he feels sad or angry. They discussed whether he wanted to remember his mother and how he wanted to do that.
By anticipating the triggers the holiday season was likely to hold, they were able to build in predictability, choices, and rituals, to transform the holidays from being one long reminder of the worst day of his life to a reminder that he is now safe, secure, loved, and nurtured. He did make it through his first holiday season without blowing up his placement and is not in his forever family with Jane. Together, they have found ways to mourn his loss and find new meaning in his life with this new family.As you go through this holiday season, be aware — empathetically, yet without taking on the sadness — that others may be experiencing grief, loss, separation, or trauma triggers. Be a calm presence and normalize complex emotions by allowing joy and sorrow can coexist. Prioritize safety, predictability, and emotional validation, especially with children. If old memories bring up old scars, create new traditions and honor the missing meaningfully.
Recommended Resources from the Relationship Toolshop® e-library (including Parents Toolshop® and Foster-Adoptive Parents Toolshop®)
Use Coupon Code “HOLIDAYGRIEF” (without the quotes) to get any or all of these free:
- “Parenting Through Grief”
- “What about the Children? Supporting Foster-Adoptive Children Through Their Grief” Online Course
- “Trigger-Free Parenting: How Childhood Programming, Trauma and Toxic Stress Rewire the Body & Create Trigger Buttons” Free Online Course
Resources for Support
- National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): https://www.nctsn.org
- The Center for Complicated Grief: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu
- Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss: https://www.ambiguousloss.com
- Child Welfare Information Gateway: https://www.childwelfare.gov
- SAMHSA Trauma and Violence Resources: https://www.samhsa.gov/trauma-violence
Research and Sources
- Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief.
- Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying: The Five Stages of Grief.
- National Child Traumatic Stress Network. Trauma-Informed Care Principles.
- SAMHSA. Trauma and Violence Resources.
- Columbia University Center for Complicated Grief. Research and Practice Guidelines.
Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator (and recipient of the 2024-25 “Outstanding FLE” international award), Certified Trauma Support Specialist, and one of the first to qualify as a Certified Family Life Coach at the Expert Level. She is the author of the award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop® and a top-rated speaker who has trained over 100,000 parents and professionals and has certified over 100 Parent’s Toolshop® trainers and coaches worldwide. She has 30 years of media experience, with over 300 appearances and serving as the Assistant Producer and On-air Parenting Expert of the Emmy-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series. She has created 100+ multimedia resources that support and educate parents from diverse backgrounds and needs, and other adults who live or work with children. You can find them at the award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.
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